May 20,2007
5:27am
I am sitting in a hospital bed scared, and nervous. Joel is asleep on the couch in my delivery room and the nurse has just walked out after letting me know that the Doc was going to induce me this morning as he promised and that someone would be in to start the process. Everything was silent and as a scared 20 year old so many thoughts are going through my head as I watch Joel sleep.
May 20, 2012
5:27am
By some weird coincidence I am awake and I look at my phone to see the time 5:27am.
The second I see these 3 numbers I am hit with memories (good & bad) and feelings (good & bad). Pictures, thoughts, and songs that I relate to this moment in time and the 11 hours that follow flooded my head. I am in my bed watching Davin sleep, 5 years old today. His eye lashes are long and black, he is not sucking his thumb but his pout is formed in such a way that his thumb could easily be in there, his hand is in a fist, thumb sticking out, his eyes are not all the way closed (he has slept with eyes somewhat opened his whole life), he is curled up in a little ball sleeping the way he was since that first night on my chest in the hospital bed.
I watch him sleep as i remember all the details about the day I gave birth to him and the 5 years that lead up to this moment. It has been difficult for me, I feel responsible for everything he is and everything he will become. I feel the need to teach him and protect him from so many things, it gets overwhelming at times. I have my own views on how to raise children, my children, and I have things I want them to know and a certain way I expect them to act. Because of this I have often had to stand alone, on my children's side, fight for them.
I have been Davon's rock since the moment he was born, or at least I like to tell myself that. From the moment he entered the world with his small little cry he began looking for me. No matter who held him or what was going on he had to have his eye on me ;), which made things like showering a bit difficult but we made it through. Knowing that little Ole me was the one person that he would always have, has given me a drive that I didn't know I had. Making sure he was fed, clothed, and had a roof over his precious little head has been my priority. Coming second only to loving him, and it seems to be paying off.
He is a well mannered,sweet , loving, adorable, and smart little 5 year old. He is a big brother now and he does so well. He loves HIS baby brother and to see my big boy be so awesome when playing with and even sometimes helping with his brother is a great feeling. When someone tells me how well behaved or how well mannered my son is I cannot help but feel a bit accomplished. But when he randomly blurts out " I love you mom" or " I'm gonna be like you mom" that feeling of love and accomplishment is much bigger. A feeling that is the best though is when we pray. He prays for his friends, teachers, family, and he says that he loves them. Knowing that he loves others lets me know that he is headed in the right direction.
I know things will get more difficult as he gets older, he is like me, A LOT like me! Independent, and smart, outgoing and funny. I believe in him and I love him, I pray for him and I worry about him. He wants to grow up so fast but for now I am going to keep letting him know he is my little 5 year old and I am going to try to slow him down and take in as much of his youth as i can befor he is TOO COOL for mommy!
I know things will get more difficult as he gets older, he is like me, A LOT like me! Independent, and smart, outgoing and funny. I believe in him and I love him, I pray for him and I worry about him. He wants to grow up so fast but for now I am going to keep letting him know he is my little 5 year old and I am going to try to slow him down and take in as much of his youth as i can befor he is TOO COOL for mommy!
